After having so many problems getting pregnant the 2nd time around, I pretty much knew that I would only have 2 children. I accepted that, but I had always wanted 3 kids, so I decided not to go on birth control after Beckham was born…and I thought we would just see what happens. If I got pregnant, then that would be wonderful, but I wasn’t expecting anything considering my past.
Well, I was pleasantly surprised because when Beckham was 11 months old, I found out I was pregnant! Awesome! I was super excited! This would complete our family, and we would live happily ever after! I was wrong. Again. Everything was great, I didn’t feel nauseous, I didn’t feel tired yet, I was thinking this 3rd pregnancy this was a breeze. I had my first OB appointment at 7 weeks. They did a sonogram to get measurements on the baby, but they couldn’t get a good view, so they did a vaginal sonogram. They got what information they needed, and I got to see that precious little heart flickering on the screen. That is such an indescribable moment when you see that this alien growing inside of you is really alive! The doctor said everything looked great, so I scheduled the next month’s appointment and went on my way. Later that day, I had some cramping and bleeding. The nurse had warned me to expect it after a vaginal sonogram, but this seemed like more then just spotting. When it got heavier, I called the doctor’s office and they told me not to worry, it was just from the sonogram and it would go away in a day.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. The bleeding continued. It got heavier. More cramping. The next morning I called the doctor the minute her office opened. The nurse again tried to reassure me that bleeding is very common after a vaginal sonogram, but I told her that this was NOT normal, and I need to see the doctor IMMEDIATELY. She said she’d call me back. I waited, and cried, and waited and cried. A couple of hours later, I called them back. I was furious that I was having to track down this nurse who didn’t believe me. Finally, she agreed to let me come in and see the doctor. I still think she didn’t believe me, I think she was just realizing I was not going to give up until I was seen by the doctor, so she needed to let me get my way. I tried to compose myself as I waited anxiously in the waiting room. They called me back and after a quick exam and another sonogram, it was confirmed that I had miscarried. Luckily, my body was shedding the lining and I didn’t need to schedule a DNC, so the doctor just did a little clean up while I was there.
To see your babies heartbeat one day, and then have it scraped from your body the next day was horrifying. When I was having trouble getting pregnant with Beckham, I often wondered which would be worse: to never be able to get pregnant, or to know you can get pregnant but not carry the child to term. I can honestly say the miscarriage was 100 times worse then the infertility. I was only 7 weeks, but I already had so much love for this baby. Because I didn’t have any issues with either of my other pregnancies, it didn’t even cross my mind that I would have problems. I completely took for granted that things would be ok. We had already started looking up names, and deciding how we would get the boys to sleep together since we only had 3 bedrooms. I was thinking of fun ways to tell the boys that they would have another sibling, and wondering how I was going to juggle the youngest 2 being only 19 months apart.
I am a huge fan of April Fool’s Day. I think it’s so fun to play innocent practical jokes, so I had made a short video to send to our immediate family that announced our pregnancy. I was going to send it out on April Fool’s Day to see if anyone would think it was real or not. Well, the joke was on me because instead of laughing at my brother’s witty responses to my joke, I was laying on the table with my feet in stirrups getting my baby’s remains pulled out of me. It’s heartache like I had never experienced before. That’s right. I miscarried on April Fool’s Day. Ah, the irony.
We decided to continue to try to get pregnant again for another year. That year came and went, and finally, I am at peace with our family just the way it is. I have a wonderful husband, who has supported me through good times and bad and very very bad. And, I have 2 amazing little boys who light up my life in so many different ways. I still remember my due date, and I get a little sad when it rolls around, but I have so much else to be thankful for.
If you are going through, or have been through, any sort of miscarriage, I empathize with you. For me, I have felt better with time. I had to allow myself to grieve and be sad, but little by little I have found happiness again. I tried to distract myself by focusing on my family, and that helped. But, it’s hard to prevent myself from wondering what might have been.